If you follow my work and musings anywhere else, you’ll already know this but I’ve been burnt the heck out. Lately I’ve felt making anything meaningful is SUCH a task. Part of that is not having allowed myself true creative play for a long while - I’ve romanticised what it is to have that time, and therefor feel like the grounds for creativity need to feel a specific way in order to create something worthwhile. That pressure made me subconsciously feel it was never the right time to make anything - even when I’ve found myself with time.
I decided it was time to actively combat that, or at least see if that theory of there being a perfect time to create was true or not. Instead of waiting for fertile grounds for painting, I decided I would foster the right environment in preparation for the feeling of wanting to paint. I was in the city and I decided to buy a large canvas (side note: I didn’t know good canvases were so expensive - I don’t think I’ve ever worked on canvas in my personal work before). I decided to take out my Holbein Acryla Gouache (old tubes and the new tubes I recently bought on our trip to Japan), throw out a drop sheet and prepare my wet palette.
When I felt ready, my studio would be ready... Could I will myself into being ready now? I sat down in my sketchbook and sketched out some thumbnails. I took two of the thumbnails and did a quick colour study and honestly didn’t love them. I resisted the urge to do more colour studies, and to rework and blow up the thumbnails to scaled sketches - this obsessive process has sent me into burnout before and I also know it causes my work to lose looseneds - something I’ve been trying to retain in all parts of my process. Instead I took the canvas, decided to trust a process I’m unfamiliar with and scale up directly on the canvas. I didn’t transfer the thumbnail perfectly, but I still liked it. Then I decided to trust myself to go straight in with the gouache without hesitation.
I wavered between loving not fully knowing what I was doing and feigning confidence to feeling like this was all a big mistake constantly throughout this process. When I finished there were some parts I appreciated, but many that I wished I could have done better. I decided not to go back in and rework for the sake of my future sane self - my main priority with this piece was proving that art-making can be quick, carefree and fun again - and stopping where I did achieved that. The painting sat in my studio for about a week and half before I brought it home - enough time for me to pick parts about it that I didn’t like. By the time I was ready to hang, I didn’t love the piece even though I liked the process.
But then I hung it up in my bedroom. And like magic I suddenly liked it, at least in my space. It looked a little amateur because it is - I’m not used to working on canvas, entirely with gouache, at this scale and void of something with a cute face on it. I’m actively deciding that’s okay!
I still feel kind of down in the dumps but I’m proud of this piece and the journey it took me on. I’m happy I did it! I wanna do it again!
Speak soon okay?
Sha’an
P.S. This last part is a sidenote: but we’ve been living in our apartment for 6 months and I still love it. It is truly my happy place. I love our garden and feel so lucky to be able to visit it whenever I like. We made the most wonderful discovery a week or so ago - there are three apple or crabapple trees outside of our bedroom window - maybe getting this place was meant to be! I mean it feels right but is this a sign? Hahah, eagerly awaiting them to ripen up so I can taste our very own garden-grown apple! Fingers crossed the birds and possums don’t get it first!
